The Legendary Lungi

Just as the national bird of Kerala is Mosquito, her national dress is  'Lungi'. Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey', a lungi can be identified by its floral or window-curtain pattern.  'Mundu' is the white variation of lungi and is worn on special occasions like hartal or bandh days, weddings and Onam. 
 
Lungi is simple and 'down to earth' like the mallu wearing it. Lungi  is the beginning and the end of evolution in its category. Wearing something on the top half of your body is optional when you are  wearing a lungi. Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a one-size-fits-all bottoms for Keralites.
  
The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to  generation through word of mouth like the British Constitution. If you  think it is an easy task wearing it, just try it once! It requires  techniques like breath control and yoga that is a notch higher than sudarshan kriya of AOL. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come  off even in a quake of 8 on the richter scale. A lungi is not attached  to the waist using duct tape, staple, rope or velcro. It's a bit of  mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like the Coca  Cola chemicals.
  
A lungi can be worn 'Full Mast' or 'Half Mast' like a national flag. A  'Full Mast' lungi is when you are showing respect to an elderly or the dead. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages. A major  disadvantage is when a dog runs after you. When you are wearing a lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the female  onlookers who are spared the ordeal of swooning at the sight of hairy legs.
 
 Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing yourself like  those C grade movie starlets. A mallu can play cricket, football or simbly run when the lungi is worn at half mast. A mallu can even climb  a coconut tree wearing lungi in half mast. "It's not good manners,  especially for ladies from decent families, to look up at a mallu  climbing a coconut tree"- Confucius (or is it Abdul Kalam?)
  
Most mallus do the traditional dance kudiyattam. Kudi means drinking  alcohol and yattam, spelled as aattam, means random movement of the  male body. Note that 'y' is silent. When you are drinking, you drink,  there is no 'y'. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the  maximum when you are topless with lungi and a towel tied around the  head. "Half mast lungi makes it easy to dance and shake legs" says  Candelaria Amaranto, a Salsa teacher from Spain after watching  'kudiyaattam' .
  
The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], an NGO  which works towards the 'upliftment' of the lungi, strongly disapprove  of the GenNext tendency of wearing Bermudas under the lungi. Bermudas  under the lungi is a conspiracy by the CIA. It's a disgrace to see a  person wearing burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi. What they  don't know is how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of  movement and expression.
 
 A mallu wears lungi round the year, all weather, all season. A mallu  celebrates winter by wearing a colourful lungi with a floral pattern.

 Lungi provides good ventilation and brings down the heat between legs.  A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the  world.
 
A lungi/mundu can be worn any time of the day/night. It doubles as  blanket at night. It also doubles up as a swing, swimwear, sleeping bag, parachute, facemask while entering/exiting toddy shops, shopping  basket and water filter while fishing in ponds and rivers. It also has  recreational uses like in 'Lungi/mundu pulling', a pastime in  households having more than one male member. Lungi pulling competitions are held outside toddyshops all over Kerala during Onam  and Vishu. When these lungis are decommissioned from service, they  become table cloths. Thus the humble lungi is a cradle to grave  appendage.